The Dark Night of The Soul

I have wanted to write about this topic for a long time.

The Dark Night of The Soul is an existential crisis that can strike any one of us at any given time. This experience leads to a complete psychological breakdown of an individual.

It happened to me.

In the last ten years, I lost my hearing, my relationship broke down, my mentor Alan died and my mother died after three years of me caring for her.

These events in my life triggered something within me which is difficult to articulate let alone write about. The fabric of my life dissolved, losing people I loved, giving up my career as a magician to care for my mother all while adjusting to life with no sound left me questioning and pondering what is the purpose of life?

I accept the fact that we are all going to die and we go grey, our bodies slowly wither and our minds may lose cognitive sharpness.

What is difficult to grapple with is context.

What is the context for my life now at 61?

Recently, I celebrated 50 years being a student of magic. Last Monday, I gave a lovely retrospective of my life studying magic, sharing my journey and also talking about my mental health struggles.

This event was cathartic for me, I felt empty after the two hour conversation with my friend Chris Harding. Talking and sharing freely about my life and challenges emptied me. As I write about this now, I feel free and peacefull.

The Dark Night of The Soul dissolves all the bullshit narrative I made up in my mind about myself, life and others.

I am seeing and feeling an existential crisis everywhere and not just with the homeless.

Walking through my park and observing people on their own and the way they are feels strange to me. I am not saying anything is wrong, I am feeling something.

I feel it for myself; for me, it's about being ok being alone.

I will never get over losing my Mum or Alan. Alan died 10 years ago, my mother two years ago, and I am feeling I am getting a little better everyday living with it.

It's the living with it that has been a struggle.

My life has no real context beyond taking photos every day and performing magic for my audience. At the very least, both of these passions gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning.

My Photography since the start of this new year has gathered some pace and new learning. I am pleased about this because it's been a wintering period of hibernation. Not venturing out much, pissed off with the cold.

While the last few years have been difficult, I am pleased that I didn't give in and distracted myself with nonsense. I decided to just let it be. Keep a low profile, go for walks with my camera, focus on practicing my magic and improve my cooking.

It's been a healing time.

I am grateful to my Therapist for our weekly chats.

I am now at cross roads pondering my next creative expression.

My One Man Show has been a great joy and healing for my heart. This has been my tribute to my mum and I feel so grateful to her for allowing me to explore myself in this craft.

"Enjoy your life" she said.

Mum made me promise so I am doing my best every day.

The Dark Night of The Soul is an opportunity to be reborn.

This is how I feel right now.

The little fella is still alive.

He is counting on me.

Thanks for reading

"Inayat Khan states, "There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believed in and thought that you were."

Joseph Campbell states "The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation".